Well it has been really long since I wrote in my blog for some self healing.
the only thing that happened since I last wrote was my dad dying in January and my mom taking a heart attack in early february and then my brother trying to kill himself in our house
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Monday, 22 August 2011
Tomorrow morning
Today this guy called me regarding why I cancelled tomorrows appointment. He seems real nice on the phone and apart of me thinks that maybe he could help me.....but I will never know that.
Tomorrow, my ex Meg wants to come up to see me in the morning to my house. I HAD to tell my husband by first saying i ran into Meg and she mentioned she wants to come up and see us.
Im not sure about this visit. Dont know if she knows its his day off. I will get a text tomorrow about it and I will remind her that its Erics day off from work.
Of course Eric wants me to let go of her and for her to let go of me.....thats normal.
Meg and I went shopping with Sophie to the superstore and sobeys today. It was fast but still time spent together.
What are we doing anyway? I dont even know!
The video ur about to see is MISSy and I. We had a fling when we were younger...she done alot of sleeps over to my house....this is one of them..
Tomorrow, my ex Meg wants to come up to see me in the morning to my house. I HAD to tell my husband by first saying i ran into Meg and she mentioned she wants to come up and see us.
Im not sure about this visit. Dont know if she knows its his day off. I will get a text tomorrow about it and I will remind her that its Erics day off from work.
Of course Eric wants me to let go of her and for her to let go of me.....thats normal.
Meg and I went shopping with Sophie to the superstore and sobeys today. It was fast but still time spent together.
What are we doing anyway? I dont even know!
The video ur about to see is MISSy and I. We had a fling when we were younger...she done alot of sleeps over to my house....this is one of them..
Sunday, 21 August 2011
pick any song-I can tell you a story about it...
I remember when my life was out of control and when I was in complete control by the people inside the system. that burned me so much and gave me so much pain and sorrow. The idea that they couldnt help me continued to prove itself after 14 years. I remain unfixed and still in such tragic pieces.
My life is based on music. I live from music. If I list a song, it played a part in my life, my emotions and how I felt. Music can either MAKE me or BREAK me.
If I listn to Carrie by Europe, it makes me want to die. so i try and avoid it. It takes me back when I was 13. I was about to be transferred because I was burning my wrist with a curling iron in a hospital. they couldnt handle me.
I remember the day so clearly.
I was only there for one month and I had this one song in a tape. I played it over and over. Everynight I couldnt sleep and everynight I wanted to die.
The night before the transfer, a male cordinator asked into the office and wanted me to sleep in his make shift bed. I was 13 and wantd him to have sex with me but he wouldnt. I never had sex before but my body wanted it in the worst way.
The first time I had an orgasm was when I was 6 or 7 by someone touching me.
That morning I had to pack my things in my room. He came with me and sat on the floor. He talked to me and I kept asking him to have sex with me before I leave.
I was 13 and he was 30. He was a very nice guy. He promised if I left, he would visit me and buy me a bike if i got out. I believed him.
He said he would kiss me. I wanted that kiss so bad.
It never happened because as he leaned in, my worker opened the door and she didnt think anything and he made it look like he was helping me pack.
When they left the room, I ran away. I ran for 30 minutes and ran to the train tracks. I laid on the tracks to die and my workers surrounded me.
The train was coming and actually honked honked and the breaks and wheels were sparking. The train stopped and I didnt die.....
2 hours later, I was in another province and in the police station. I got into a fight with a police office and it took 13 cops to control me........yup---I was angry....
"We are turning you in!" he said.
I was heading to a hospital that would keep me for 5 years!
My life is based on music. I live from music. If I list a song, it played a part in my life, my emotions and how I felt. Music can either MAKE me or BREAK me.
If I listn to Carrie by Europe, it makes me want to die. so i try and avoid it. It takes me back when I was 13. I was about to be transferred because I was burning my wrist with a curling iron in a hospital. they couldnt handle me.
I remember the day so clearly.
I was only there for one month and I had this one song in a tape. I played it over and over. Everynight I couldnt sleep and everynight I wanted to die.
The night before the transfer, a male cordinator asked into the office and wanted me to sleep in his make shift bed. I was 13 and wantd him to have sex with me but he wouldnt. I never had sex before but my body wanted it in the worst way.
The first time I had an orgasm was when I was 6 or 7 by someone touching me.
That morning I had to pack my things in my room. He came with me and sat on the floor. He talked to me and I kept asking him to have sex with me before I leave.
I was 13 and he was 30. He was a very nice guy. He promised if I left, he would visit me and buy me a bike if i got out. I believed him.
He said he would kiss me. I wanted that kiss so bad.
It never happened because as he leaned in, my worker opened the door and she didnt think anything and he made it look like he was helping me pack.
When they left the room, I ran away. I ran for 30 minutes and ran to the train tracks. I laid on the tracks to die and my workers surrounded me.
The train was coming and actually honked honked and the breaks and wheels were sparking. The train stopped and I didnt die.....
2 hours later, I was in another province and in the police station. I got into a fight with a police office and it took 13 cops to control me........yup---I was angry....
"We are turning you in!" he said.
I was heading to a hospital that would keep me for 5 years!
A drive into the past
so everytime Meg knows I am leaving the house we tend to text each other and hook up. Its becoming a serious habit.
tonight we hung out at Walmart and drove around for an hour listning to music. We talked and laughed and talked.
She asked me to go to the movies with her this Friday night on the 26th to see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" at 650pm. I didnt say anything to her yet. I will end up going there a half hour early because I like to claim my seat early and get the best ones. I wouldnt dare ask my husband because he would flip out on me. I will be getting back to her on Wednesday.
She reminded me that i could never talk about sex without wanting it. so she talked about sex in such detail im sure she is wondering why we never pulled over. "I remember in pei we had to pull over because you couldnt handle the sex talk and we had to do it."
"You cant even watch porn without wanting it over and over, does Eric know that?"
I never answered her. "Your orgasmic....I miss that!" she added.
what alot of people dont know about me is that I am a sex addict. I think only Meg knows that. I tried to shut my body off from all her sex talk but my body struggled to stop listening to her.
My right hand was on my leg and wondered what would happen if she touched it.....I kept asking myself this over and over to make me not get sexually aroused.
After we seperated and I dropped her off at her car, I drove off to our old apartment and parked in our parking lot. I thought about what it felt like to be there. It was sad. almost like the actually apartment that we both lived in for 7 years is stuck in time. It is crazy.
I went out again for a drive after dropping off pampers to Eric and listened to music.
I wonder if the powers of the mind and heart can reach anyone and if you reach out with all your heart, you can reach someone far to come to you based on a gut feeling and actually find you!
tonight we hung out at Walmart and drove around for an hour listning to music. We talked and laughed and talked.
She asked me to go to the movies with her this Friday night on the 26th to see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" at 650pm. I didnt say anything to her yet. I will end up going there a half hour early because I like to claim my seat early and get the best ones. I wouldnt dare ask my husband because he would flip out on me. I will be getting back to her on Wednesday.
She reminded me that i could never talk about sex without wanting it. so she talked about sex in such detail im sure she is wondering why we never pulled over. "I remember in pei we had to pull over because you couldnt handle the sex talk and we had to do it."
"You cant even watch porn without wanting it over and over, does Eric know that?"
I never answered her. "Your orgasmic....I miss that!" she added.
what alot of people dont know about me is that I am a sex addict. I think only Meg knows that. I tried to shut my body off from all her sex talk but my body struggled to stop listening to her.
My right hand was on my leg and wondered what would happen if she touched it.....I kept asking myself this over and over to make me not get sexually aroused.
After we seperated and I dropped her off at her car, I drove off to our old apartment and parked in our parking lot. I thought about what it felt like to be there. It was sad. almost like the actually apartment that we both lived in for 7 years is stuck in time. It is crazy.
I went out again for a drive after dropping off pampers to Eric and listened to music.
I wonder if the powers of the mind and heart can reach anyone and if you reach out with all your heart, you can reach someone far to come to you based on a gut feeling and actually find you!
Saturday, 20 August 2011
apartment in the sky--from book that is near finished.
Apartment in the Sky
Perhaps one could think that I have taken the system under my control. Or I have manipulated everyone into my grips of insanity.
Really?
Well, I haven’t.
This cant stop the nation from judging me, characterizing me and crucifying me on their panel for the guilty.
I am merely here on the 5th floor because the system wants to remove me from sight and alienate me from all patients.
It is true! They have build an apartment above the hospital for me to live in with my workers who were specially hired to take care of me. There will be 3 shifts and a male and female on each shift to watch me.
Insanity right?
Well, I was approached by a new case worker just yesterday to pick out the color that I would like to have in my apartment.
I picked a rusty rose and some flowery wall paper border for my room.
"Agnes, would you like to see the finished version of what our plan was for you?" JANET asked.
I could barely smile and I looked up at her.
I dropped my painting that I was attempting to make for my grandmother. I was painting on a vase. I was hoping it could decorate my grandmothers house. I was trying to make things that would enrich her home and make her happy.
JANET looked at me and said, "Smile for me!"
As if that was really important to her.
I looked her over and couldn’t help but notice she had a square shaped face and high forehead. Her bangs were cut as if Frankenstein was the new fashion.
I am a 15 year old girl who recognized that I haven’t led a normal life and I have already missed my opportunity to graduate from school and have a prom date.
Nevertheless, who would want a virgin date with 600 slashes covering their arms and who has never danced before.
I walk next to JANET who keeps looking down at me with these weird smiles. I cant distinguish whether they are fake or sincere. So I agreed with myself to take them and accept as gifts from a mentally ill person.
Only because I couldn’t read JANET. So to me, she was mentally ill.
Yet, how can the system hire a mentally ill case worker who would be leading staff to take care of me, right?
Right!
Sometimes it is just fun to place people in a tiny jar and display them for what I thought they were. But once I labeled the jar, it is hard for me to remove them from it. Yet, placing them in this jar, made them safe and separated them from me. It also allowed me to remove them as human beings.
She opened this new door and I walked in.
It is a huge hallway.
Straight ahead is another door but it has a screen on it.
A table sits on the floor to the left with a mini fridge and shelves.
To the right is a big bedroom.
The bed is nailed down to the floor and the book shelf is nailed to the wall. There is one window but it is too high to look out of.
When I walked out back into the hall way there was a tv room.
I had my grandmothers tv on the floor and chair and couch set with side tables and a coffee table.
In the back is the wash room.
I look around and feel my grandmother very close. I feel her because I have her tv. I miss her so much. I want so bad to see her and love her again. I wish I could take care of her and clean her house. I would love to cook for her and feed her.
I always loved watching her eat.
Yet, my reality is here. This rusty rose color is sickening. It is almost irritating.
I wonder how long it will take before I screw this up and ruin everything.
I am still afflicted with these strange disorders and illnesses. I have not been healed and no one is able to help me.
When I go to bed, I still see my pets and I see terror. I remember things that happened to me and I cant hide or run from it.
The system has taken me since I was 10 years old and I haven’t escaped into freedom since. I am now 15 and this is my home.
I am in a hospital because no one else wants me!
No one can know or understand the pain Im enduring. It is overwhelming.
I have the system who hates me because a male worker that was incredibly popular was convicted for trying to rape me when I was 13. A nurse saved me before any damage happened and she was the one who testified on my behalf. So I have all the workers trying to torment me into my ultimate end. They mock, pull my hair and call me names. They stare at me and tell me things that a child shouldn’t hear.
On top of that, I am abandoned by my family and friends. My social workers has kept me here as well and no one seems to care I am here 24/7. So I have abandonment issues and anger about that. Anger because they live out their life and have willingly left me here to live out mine in isolation.
Then, I am tormented by my childhood that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. When my eyes close, I see and remember it like it is real. I guess they called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I go to bed with these feelings and it kills my heart in the most unbelievable manner.
Yet, tomorrow always comes and I am yet to live it all out again, over and over!
I look at JANET and wonder if she understands me and how I feel.
"Can I visit my grandmother?" I asked her with some little hope.
I make the time slow in my mind so I don’t get to hear the words, ‘No.’ That sometimes, just seconds of hope are just enough to make me live out the rest of my day.
She shook her head.
I sigh.
I am not allowed to watch tv or read magazines because it will give me ideas. The real world to me is an imagination. A fantasy of happiness and where all my troubles will magically disappear.
The next morning, I was told to pack my things and get ready to move into my new apartment and my new staff are waiting for me up stairs.
These new staff members stayed with me on unit 3 for a month before moving me up stairs. I had to get to know them all before the move and they had to get to know me.
I cant say I hate anyone of them but I wasn’t fond of JANET.
so as days go into th next, each day falls into this dreamy idea of what was yesterday. Nothing seems to make a difference. Each day is just another. That’s the way it was.
My existence remains the same.
Im considered a nonsense.
Perhaps one could think that I have taken the system under my control. Or I have manipulated everyone into my grips of insanity.
Really?
Well, I haven’t.
This cant stop the nation from judging me, characterizing me and crucifying me on their panel for the guilty.
I am merely here on the 5th floor because the system wants to remove me from sight and alienate me from all patients.
It is true! They have build an apartment above the hospital for me to live in with my workers who were specially hired to take care of me. There will be 3 shifts and a male and female on each shift to watch me.
Insanity right?
Well, I was approached by a new case worker just yesterday to pick out the color that I would like to have in my apartment.
I picked a rusty rose and some flowery wall paper border for my room.
"Agnes, would you like to see the finished version of what our plan was for you?" JANET asked.
I could barely smile and I looked up at her.
I dropped my painting that I was attempting to make for my grandmother. I was painting on a vase. I was hoping it could decorate my grandmothers house. I was trying to make things that would enrich her home and make her happy.
JANET looked at me and said, "Smile for me!"
As if that was really important to her.
I looked her over and couldn’t help but notice she had a square shaped face and high forehead. Her bangs were cut as if Frankenstein was the new fashion.
I am a 15 year old girl who recognized that I haven’t led a normal life and I have already missed my opportunity to graduate from school and have a prom date.
Nevertheless, who would want a virgin date with 600 slashes covering their arms and who has never danced before.
I walk next to JANET who keeps looking down at me with these weird smiles. I cant distinguish whether they are fake or sincere. So I agreed with myself to take them and accept as gifts from a mentally ill person.
Only because I couldn’t read JANET. So to me, she was mentally ill.
Yet, how can the system hire a mentally ill case worker who would be leading staff to take care of me, right?
Right!
Sometimes it is just fun to place people in a tiny jar and display them for what I thought they were. But once I labeled the jar, it is hard for me to remove them from it. Yet, placing them in this jar, made them safe and separated them from me. It also allowed me to remove them as human beings.
She opened this new door and I walked in.
It is a huge hallway.
Straight ahead is another door but it has a screen on it.
A table sits on the floor to the left with a mini fridge and shelves.
To the right is a big bedroom.
The bed is nailed down to the floor and the book shelf is nailed to the wall. There is one window but it is too high to look out of.
When I walked out back into the hall way there was a tv room.
I had my grandmothers tv on the floor and chair and couch set with side tables and a coffee table.
In the back is the wash room.
I look around and feel my grandmother very close. I feel her because I have her tv. I miss her so much. I want so bad to see her and love her again. I wish I could take care of her and clean her house. I would love to cook for her and feed her.
I always loved watching her eat.
Yet, my reality is here. This rusty rose color is sickening. It is almost irritating.
I wonder how long it will take before I screw this up and ruin everything.
I am still afflicted with these strange disorders and illnesses. I have not been healed and no one is able to help me.
When I go to bed, I still see my pets and I see terror. I remember things that happened to me and I cant hide or run from it.
The system has taken me since I was 10 years old and I haven’t escaped into freedom since. I am now 15 and this is my home.
I am in a hospital because no one else wants me!
No one can know or understand the pain Im enduring. It is overwhelming.
I have the system who hates me because a male worker that was incredibly popular was convicted for trying to rape me when I was 13. A nurse saved me before any damage happened and she was the one who testified on my behalf. So I have all the workers trying to torment me into my ultimate end. They mock, pull my hair and call me names. They stare at me and tell me things that a child shouldn’t hear.
On top of that, I am abandoned by my family and friends. My social workers has kept me here as well and no one seems to care I am here 24/7. So I have abandonment issues and anger about that. Anger because they live out their life and have willingly left me here to live out mine in isolation.
Then, I am tormented by my childhood that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. When my eyes close, I see and remember it like it is real. I guess they called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I go to bed with these feelings and it kills my heart in the most unbelievable manner.
Yet, tomorrow always comes and I am yet to live it all out again, over and over!
I look at JANET and wonder if she understands me and how I feel.
"Can I visit my grandmother?" I asked her with some little hope.
I make the time slow in my mind so I don’t get to hear the words, ‘No.’ That sometimes, just seconds of hope are just enough to make me live out the rest of my day.
She shook her head.
I sigh.
I am not allowed to watch tv or read magazines because it will give me ideas. The real world to me is an imagination. A fantasy of happiness and where all my troubles will magically disappear.
The next morning, I was told to pack my things and get ready to move into my new apartment and my new staff are waiting for me up stairs.
These new staff members stayed with me on unit 3 for a month before moving me up stairs. I had to get to know them all before the move and they had to get to know me.
I cant say I hate anyone of them but I wasn’t fond of JANET.
so as days go into th next, each day falls into this dreamy idea of what was yesterday. Nothing seems to make a difference. Each day is just another. That’s the way it was.
My existence remains the same.
Im considered a nonsense.
About a girl
I think about this girl I once dated in my past. I must have been 18 and she was 35. She had long blond hair and tats all over her body. She was quite hard core.
Her real name is Lori. I dated her for 2 years.
Our relationship was strong but she was into drugs. Things like needles and smoking coke. She was in for violence as well.
The unit we were on housed a lot of women. Many in for dangerous things. Jealousy was a factor in everyday life there. Hooking up was the only choice.
I once seen this girl (Ms.D), who was pretty, also covered in tats and rough around the edges. I think she assaulted a man but was suicidal. She lived on the opposite wing as me but we had full access to their wings as they to us.
Ms.D was in the shower when 3 girls went into her stall with her and sliced her face and breasts with a razor blade. She lived but left our unit. Lori always told me to not be apart of anyone’s garbage.
I wanted to save her but Lori tore into me about it. She even slapped me.
When word got out that her attackers will be charged.....(Ms.B), went into her room and hung herself.
She died.
She was loved by any people and even had a pretty daughter.
Lori was her friend and she didnt even cried. Lori was cold.
After 2 years, I was about to be transferred and so I broke up with her and 1 year later she died.
I don’t know how.....
Losing Lori was hard.
I never handle death well.
Before I left there, my grandmother who brought me up fell and got sick.
I took a flight to see her in the hospital and she died during my flight. I never handled my grandmothers death either.
I collasped when I seen her in the coffin.
I called my grandmother, MOM.
So Losing my ‘Mom’ was the worst thing. She was my rock.
Lori is a just this spooky thing that I went through and the mystery of her still stands...
When I was a little girl, my sister got sick and suddenly couldn’t walk. She died when I was 6. She had leukemia. 3 months later my granddad died. These deaths killed me.
Since I live with my granddad, I was closer to him then I was my sister.
Her real name is Lori. I dated her for 2 years.
Our relationship was strong but she was into drugs. Things like needles and smoking coke. She was in for violence as well.
The unit we were on housed a lot of women. Many in for dangerous things. Jealousy was a factor in everyday life there. Hooking up was the only choice.
I once seen this girl (Ms.D), who was pretty, also covered in tats and rough around the edges. I think she assaulted a man but was suicidal. She lived on the opposite wing as me but we had full access to their wings as they to us.
Ms.D was in the shower when 3 girls went into her stall with her and sliced her face and breasts with a razor blade. She lived but left our unit. Lori always told me to not be apart of anyone’s garbage.
I wanted to save her but Lori tore into me about it. She even slapped me.
When word got out that her attackers will be charged.....(Ms.B), went into her room and hung herself.
She died.
She was loved by any people and even had a pretty daughter.
Lori was her friend and she didnt even cried. Lori was cold.
After 2 years, I was about to be transferred and so I broke up with her and 1 year later she died.
I don’t know how.....
Losing Lori was hard.
I never handle death well.
Before I left there, my grandmother who brought me up fell and got sick.
I took a flight to see her in the hospital and she died during my flight. I never handled my grandmothers death either.
I collasped when I seen her in the coffin.
I called my grandmother, MOM.
So Losing my ‘Mom’ was the worst thing. She was my rock.
Lori is a just this spooky thing that I went through and the mystery of her still stands...
When I was a little girl, my sister got sick and suddenly couldn’t walk. She died when I was 6. She had leukemia. 3 months later my granddad died. These deaths killed me.
Since I live with my granddad, I was closer to him then I was my sister.
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