I am listening to this song right now as I type in my laptop. Trying to find reason and purpose to life. I am sad tonight. This saddness sits in my tummy like a brick.
It is night outside and its exactly 10pm. The cool breeze is blowing in my living room and it takes me back to places I have long forgotten.
Yes, I was in a hospital for 14 years. It was a long time to be away from life.
I never did the important things a young girl would have.
right now, I am feeling a place I was in for 3 years. I use to listen to Enigma there alot. I would sit in my cell and blast the cd. It always took me away. But right now, it just takes me back.
I also think about my home life where I grew up and I miss my grandmother so much.
When I was 10 years old, my mother tried to kill me for the last time and I defended myself. I fought back. She pounded me on the rocking chair and 2 men watched like it was something to do rather then saving me from her.
I had to take matters in my own hands. I fought back.
when the cops came, she told them I tried to kill her. I was arrested and placed in a hospital for aggressive kids. That is HOW and WHY it all happened. I couldnt get out because no one wanted me. Not even my father n my stepmom. My grandmother was too old to take me.
I am so fucking sad right now-no one will ever know. I am suffering in silence and no one knows. I smile and laugh and all I feel is darkness.
This is life.
My husband is watching tv and all I want to do is jump in the car and drive to the graveyard across from Sears at the mall and park there with the dead. I want to cry but there are no tears right now.
My daughter is the only person that makes me happy and puts a smile on my face. When she smiles at me I feel like she is reminding me that I must stay on earth for as long as she is here.
My husband says I am only happy for a couple of minutes throughout the day. that cant be good! Yet when I am with my girl, I am happy that whole time.
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